The Diary- Hiking Mt. Gading

5.00 am

 woke up to the sound of Moon cling-clang-ing the eating utensils. Immediately, sit up straight. 

"It's still early, go back to sleep, I'm just going to give this stuff to the boys."

oh yeah. right. The boys are going to cook the food we are going to bring for this hiking. Maybe they need them to put the food in. The containers obviously, not the spoons and forks. 

 "go back to sleep...there's still time left for you to shut your eyes"

upon hearing that, I lay down and drift off to sleep. The air was oddly hot.

5.45 am

still closing my eyes, I heard the sound Moon made when she entered the room. It's the sound she usually made when she just had her shower. woke up and the light was on, squinted , my small eyes can't take that much amount of light after a long dark hours. I tried to find my towel and my kain sarung. They were hanging in my chair, their usual spot for drying.
Bathed myself with the freaking ice cold water. The journey between the toilets and my room is a torture when you just took a bath, I walked quickly and rushed back to my room. 

"It's hot isn't it?"

Brrrr. What did she said? I can't hear her with this state I'm in- coldness. Quickly, I put my clothes on. after some time, I started to feel the warmness. Oh... It's really is hot isn't it? 

7.30 am

Something was up but I don't know what, hence, the journey was delayed for 30 minutes - ish. 

8.45 am - ish

 start our journey with prayer. Was waiting for warming up session, but they didn't show any sign of going to do one. So I did my own mini stretching leg warm up. hiyah hiyah

9.15 am

 Reached the "Waterfall 3" which was quite misleading because it's the 2nd waterfall you'll stumble upon if you are hiking Mt. Gading. 
Kept saying " just a little bit more guys" to  Moon, Ain and some other pals who looked worn out by the steep trail.

10 am - ish

 Nik and I, reached the mini cave with what looked like a buddha figurine sitting on a rock and some oranges or tangerines offering. there were some people from the other group catching their breath. 
I should cross over this small stream, I thought to myself. oh shoot, giant centipede. made a girly ah, no one paid attention or maybe they don't want me to be self-conscious with that mini drama of my own.
some as- I mean dude saw that giant centipede and made as scene.

"hey look at this, oh my god, look at its colorful legs.." 

bla bla bla bla "choooo chooo motherfucker"  

"I watched a movie about giant animals in island lepas tu ada toxic waste meh and the animal wah so big like a house, pretty scary movie" 

you are not even Chinese.
watch your language man. there is a white man with you and he didn't even utter a single cussing word in his language. you are not that funny or that oh I'm so modern with my cussing, I'm so cool, or that you speak proper English. no. so just shut up.

11.15

 reached waterfall 7. Moon and Ain gave up, so that means I'm the only girl left in reaching the summit of Mt. Gading. I have to reached the summit. I have to.

"hurry dell" and Abe ran up to the trail.

I'll be dead trying to walk (run) at the same pace with these guys. oh what the hell.

1.45

so, this is the summit huh?

finally

this was their "we did it" pose. notice the foggy background. macam di kundasang

a seflie was a must

 2.15

went back to waterfall 7.looked back at the trail we took. It was that steep?

3.25 - ish

them praying on a rock. had to take turn, twas not a large rock.

lay down on a rock and listened to the very relaxing sound of gushing waterfall

 4.15

Moon was so excited to get back to the main park, she jumped up and down the rocks like some shinobis.

5.45

reached the main park. lay down on the road, didn't care if anybody found me weird. I was a total burnout.
rode back home happily, looked back to the mountain, literally bid goodbye quietly. stupid melancholic heart. haha

What I remember most

Aren't you curious as what attribute of yours that people remember the most?

let's go back from the beginning.

While other of my schoolmates talk about how they miss the old days, I always shy away from the conversation. I love bits and pieces of that school, the classmates, the roommates, the watching movie on weekend together, the not so many teachers I liked, but these are just bits and pieces that make up the only 20 percent of what I remember about my school. the other 80 percent is the reason why I avoid talking about how lovely my school was, how happy it made me feel, they don't. Skipping about the teachers, since I still have my respect towards them no matter how bad or good teacher they were, I still remember the day when PMR result was announce and I was one of the top 5 students who got an excellent result. years back, our school will acknowledge these students by presenting them with award on ( i forgot what it was called back then) let's just say, Prize Giving day. 

when it comes to making my parents happy, it goes on the top of my list. I called my parents 2 weeks before the aforementioned day above, told them to come and see their daughter on the stage. You know, it was not the prize, not the so called YB, not the teachers, not even me, that I care about when I asked my parents (I think I even made them promise to come) to be among the guests on that day. It's them. 

week went by and I cannot wait for the day to come. I visualize myself up there on the stage, receiving the award, I'm not even going to look at the camera because I want to have that moment to see how happy my parents will be. I still remember that day vividly, when that cikgu told me that I won't be on the list to receive the award, they're going to give it to the 4 students but not me. I was not the only disappointed students on that day, some of my friends who got an excellent result shared the same feeling as I was. I was, shattered inside. like I'm not even trying to be poetic here, but I was shattered. still am.

Am I that unforgiving? No, and to quote my friend, "you rarely get angry aren't you?". so what am I then? I'm just an ordinary girl who knows that I will never get back that day, and I am okay with not getting it back, but why though why. kecewa is not the word for it, it's terkilan. Kecewa is like, oh no oh my oh God, but terkilan is why why why why why why. 

It' not my fault to begin with. 

so choose wisely on what others will remember you the most cos the truth is, you are more likely to be responsible for that. not them. they will try to forget it, probably, but the feelings never go away, we treat them as if they'll go away but really. they don't and when something trigger them, they'll appear at the very surface. 

"Time doesn't heal the wound it numbed"
really.
you should understand by now.

Dubious

“How old are you?”

“22”

A  and Mr S was having a conversation about marriage. Mr. S looked rather disagree with A’s decision. Curious, I asked:

“How old were you when you get married, sir?”

“24”

“Well, that’s only like 2 years apart, is it?”

“yeah, but it makes  lots of differences”

“How so?”

“you are more mature, you have a job..” he stopped and looked at N. I was expecting a lot more reasons than that but doesn't matter really.

“What about you, you are 22 as well, why aren't you getting married?”

“My parents won’t allow me, they think I’m too young for being married” N explained.

I knew he was going to ask me then and just when I thought that he would, he did.

“I’m not really open to the idea of getting married early, to me 27 is the ideal age to be wedded”

I’m not ready yet and it’s not fair for future my husband and my children, I don’t think it’s wise to just decide to be someone’s wife and mother knowing that you are not ready and that you probably cannot give your best, I looked down trying to shut the voice I heard inside me. Looked at NN, smiled to her, and she agrees with her eyes and smile. NN shares the same view.

“What? But society expects you to do so”

“I don’t think I have to live my life according to what society sees best”

Defensive. That’s the word he used to describe me.

“you’ll be a misfit to the society then” I knew he was trying to get me to join the heating up conversation.

“I can live with that”.

Flashed a smile. Trying to tell him that it doesn't bother me.

But it does.

And I hate that.