Sunday, February 2, 2014

What I remember most

Aren't you curious as what attribute of yours that people remember the most?

let's go back from the beginning.

While other of my schoolmates talk about how they miss the old days, I always shy away from the conversation. I love bits and pieces of that school, the classmates, the roommates, the watching movie on weekend together, the not so many teachers I liked, but these are just bits and pieces that make up the only 20 percent of what I remember about my school. the other 80 percent is the reason why I avoid talking about how lovely my school was, how happy it made me feel, they don't. Skipping about the teachers, since I still have my respect towards them no matter how bad or good teacher they were, I still remember the day when PMR result was announce and I was one of the top 5 students who got an excellent result. years back, our school will acknowledge these students by presenting them with award on ( i forgot what it was called back then) let's just say, Prize Giving day. 
when it comes to making my parents happy, it goes on the top of my list. I called my parents 2 weeks before the aforementioned day above, told them to come and see their daughter on the stage. You know, it was not the prize, not the so called YB, not the teachers, not even me, that I care about when I asked my parents (I think I even made them promise to come) to be among the guests on that day. It's them. 
week went by and I cannot wait for the day to come. I visualize myself up there on the stage, receiving the award, I'm not even going to look at the camera because I want to have that moment to see how happy my parents will be. I still remember that day vividly, when that cikgu told me that I won't be on the list to receive the award, they're going to give it to the 4 students but not me. I was not the only disappointed students on that day, some of my friends who got an excellent result shared the same feeling as I was. I was, shattered inside. like I'm not even trying to be poetic here, but I was shattered. still am.

Am I that unforgiving? No, and to quote my friend, "you rarely get angry aren't you?". so what am I then? I'm just an ordinary girl who knows that I will never get back that day, and I am okay with not getting it back, but why though why. kecewa is not the word for it, it's terkilan. Kecewa is like, oh no oh my oh God, but terkilan is why why why why why why. 

It' not my fault to begin with. 

so choose wisely on what others will remember you the most cos the truth is, you are more likely to be responsible for that. not them. they will try to forget it, probably, but the feelings never go away, we treat them as if they'll go away but really. they don't and when something trigger them, they'll appear at the very surface. 

"Time doesn't heal the wound it numbed"
you should understand by now.

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