Dubious

“How old are you?”

“22”

A  and Mr S was having a conversation about marriage. Mr. S looked rather disagree with A’s decision. Curious, I asked:

“How old were you when you get married, sir?”

“24”

“Well, that’s only like 2 years apart, is it?”

“yeah, but it makes  lots of differences”

“How so?”

“you are more mature, you have a job..” he stopped and looked at N. I was expecting a lot more reasons than that but doesn't matter really.

“What about you, you are 22 as well, why aren't you getting married?”

“My parents won’t allow me, they think I’m too young for being married” N explained.

I knew he was going to ask me then and just when I thought that he would, he did.

“I’m not really open to the idea of getting married early, to me 27 is the ideal age to be wedded”

I’m not ready yet and it’s not fair for future my husband and my children, I don’t think it’s wise to just decide to be someone’s wife and mother knowing that you are not ready and that you probably cannot give your best, I looked down trying to shut the voice I heard inside me. Looked at NN, smiled to her, and she agrees with her eyes and smile. NN shares the same view.

“What? But society expects you to do so”

“I don’t think I have to live my life according to what society sees best”

Defensive. That’s the word he used to describe me.

“you’ll be a misfit to the society then” I knew he was trying to get me to join the heating up conversation.

“I can live with that”.

Flashed a smile. Trying to tell him that it doesn't bother me.

But it does.

And I hate that.

#2

the past few weeks were spent on being Ateaq's instructor and people are wondering what qualify me to become an instructor. a question which I'd laugh at first before giving my answer. It's effing hilarious cos I am nowhere close to being a Kevin Zahri.
I do however, am the first one to come up in my classmates' mind when it comes to have the mean-est? mouth among the girls in the class. to be fair, I don't know how on earth the universe planned this, my class seems to be made up by some of the nicest people on earth. you got the very gentle with kakak charm;AD, the mother-like Aisyah, the very innocent Nadia, the good and I mean good girls;Atie and Ira, the down-to-earth;Mira (sometimes she made jokes about things, oh this not my standard please, but we got what they were, jokes), the friendly friendliest; Ateaq, the caring; Niera, the come-on-and-eat-with-me; Ninie, the are-you-hungry-I-got-some-foods-for-you-to-eat; Zelly, the yes-whatever-makes-you-happy;Christine and don't get me started on my rants about our boys. I mean wait, are they even good. aiseh. good bah. good.

I got the meanest mouth yes I do but you should know, last tutorial session, we did this secret letter kind of activity where we pick a name and write whatever words that describe that person.

mine: I got 3- caring, helpful, and beautiful (I mean obviously. lol)

the word that I want to highlight here is helpful. all the things that I uttered, no matter how mean they were, I was trying to be helpful. Granted, someone needs to push Ateaq what's with her 2 months away wedding . In a pack of heavenly good classmates, they need someone who is mean, vile, loathsome to balanced them out. that someone is me. or sometimes, it's them. haha.

I'm not that spiteful bah. come on people come on.

Prayers

Someone told me once, that ask for prayers even from the worst person you can think of. Even if you believe in the different path of life. Because our essential nature is that we are judgmental. We tend to see  only the exterior of a person when in fact, there are so many stories that have never been told, never been heard, stories that will change our perception of a person. I believe that everyone is basically good, and the truth is aren't we all hunger for doing only the good things? Intention alone, is as aspiring as the act itself. And to each good deed, God promises us with reward, we just don't know when will it be. so, ask for prayers from anyone and let us look back at ourselves, do we really possess the right to judge? I'm no angle, I too, just as much as you, just as much as the worst person that appears in your mind, have my own past.

then, let me ask for your prayer, cos as for now, I need prayers. I need as many as positive vibes in the air, with that in mind, hopefully, I am able to finish what I've started. Someday, I will tell you what it is. Not today, and I'm terribly sorry for that but mark my words, someday I will. But for now, pray that whatever  I have in mind, whatever it is, it won't be that hard for me to get it.

I hope and I hope really hard, that you too, no matter what is the thing you need people to pray for, whatever the outcome, it will the one you've been hoping for.

#1

verily, we are at loss when it comes to this. Hitting us a like a thunder down our chest. our past conversations were a crime scenes, and you knew they were, when you keep asking yourself these days. what. went. wrong. you knew.

this is so much more than recalling back memories from the thousands of the in between moment where you breathe, the interval no one knows what it's called. and in this moment, you are stuck in the sighing regret of past and the what could have been. It sickens you -your stomach churns like storm surge. But I still think of you fondly.

someday, I'm gonna go and do the things I scribbled down on my brown little note book. this is the day where I feel like I want to go, some other day I might have to go.
I've always told you I like sea, did I? Somewhere far and isolated, the unadvertised foreign beach, I saw two people who walked from the opposite directions, they came to this one spot just right in front me, but they were no bigger that my nails from the place I was at that moment, and they were standing next to each other. not talking just seemingly looking far out on the horizon. It's from their eyes, fiercely,  I saw them dancing in the changing colors of the one sunset in one same sea.

-it's a lot easier, she realized, to be on the verge of something than to actually be it. This would still take time- and who am I to compete with Markus Zusak. He said it better than I.

I like where I am right now. I like to know that my journey is far from ending.
(fingers crossed)

Closure

It appears that I have this tendency of pouring everything out, surely not everything, but comparatively, more than the amount of things I talk about when it's not past midnight. must have something to do with being alone in the dark. there's that bit of pleasure, that serenity forming like a big soothing bubble around you. To be able to let thought runs freely. ah, the liberation. 

my morning started out fairly early than usual with a sad news delivered to me in hurry by my roommate. her eyes were still swollen from sleeping on the left side of her bed, it didn't  take me 10 seconds to be fully awake. One of our juniors, whom we had helped last night to get to the 1st floor by carrying her so her friends can take her to the hospitals, is gone forever. A shocking news no one expects to hear about. Rain was pouring the whole day. 

"in Iban's culture, it means that she is crying", Estee lamented and it didn't surprise me, today's morning is nothing but gloomy. everyone gathered at their own crowd in every floor, talking so quietly bout the loss of their dear friend. 

it made everyone reflect to the fact that life is unpredictable, that at any time of our lives, even when it is the most unexpected, death is inevitable and you need to prepare, not only for yourself but to the people you left behind. 

It is the sudden leaving without proper goodbye that everyone scared of. the kind that almost resembles the feeling of watching a drama. the one that you had to wait for weeks for another episode to be broadcast-ed and just when it comes to most exciting part, the broadcasting network decided not to continue the show. it's a feeling of unfinished that haunts. 

I ought to leave something for the people in my live to hang onto, like a letter to every person I know of, so they'll have a closure of whatever we had in our lives together. 

but, alas, we don't know when our time of calling will be, and the question is, if that letter is enough, if I didn't left something out, something that had happened after the letter had been written? secret that never been told? we can never be sure.

There is no poetic way in putting this, but since we do not know when is the last day of our lives, can we just agree that no matter what, we forgive each other and let go of whatever we had in the past, and leaving only the fond memories for us to hang onto?

we don't really know, do we?

" Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see  nothing" - Camille Pissarro

Damn it. I miss my hometown, my kampung to be exact. 

She knows and is convinced that she’s not the only one with a slow soft voice, living inside her, whispering so loud, she frowned at her own thoughts. Every day, the volume of the voice intensifying much like the universe expanding at every millisecond the dead clocks around the world didn't count. Like a star at the end of its life bursting and boomed  into small stones  and the explosive impact pushes the unknown planets away from their course, her thoughts, they're cancerous, dominating each living cell of her body to cooperate, to collapse without her consent. And she is falling apart so quietly.  All the things possible, she told everyone it won’t work. And she makes sure it won’t work. No one had a chance even before their crossing path people call destiny.  The reminiscent of meteorites to a black hole the Hubble telescopes missed to capture, she is trapped around her immense thoughts.  A happy day is 1261 years light away, and she’s still waiting for the brightness for she is stuck in the misty dusk. All the things about her life that she hates , most people will find to despise, she hugged them twice harder to love them. It’s when they hugged her back; she realizes that 5 minutes wait is all everyone needs to be sane. She found an old tree no one cared for hundreds of years and she sat there, and every passerby told each other that she told them this- believe in the good things. And so they did. Even when you found out that Prior of Sion is a a made-up secret society didn’t you still find it believable?

There a lonely unseen star in its own place believing that there’s hope for a brighter sunny day tomorrow. And so yes, she believes that.

After all, didn't Shakespeare say this? That –

“…you shall shine more bright in these contents“

She didn't read the next lines. She believes.

I was trying to come up with a proper title for this post but I couldn't think of any because I'm going to talk bout happy things, sad thing, random things,not so important things, just things.
I have this ritual, nah that's too spiritual, routine of calling my friends every weekend. no kidding, every weekend. I said it not because of the reason that I want to announce to the whole world that I am the most caring and loving person in the world, I am hardly caring nor loving. I am not even a cat person. I did save cats, took them home, find them adorable, hate those who hurt them, adore those who adore them, but if I were to choose between being around cats all the time or not, I choose not to. do notice that I stated all the time, so when you saw me patting cats on their back or talking to cats like I'm talking to my friends, don't start and go, you cakap tak suka kucing. sometimes, I like being around them.I don't know why I went this far to explain about it. there are animals you don't like to be around with all the time too. snakes? frogs? dogs? ducks? so why judge?

getting back to my point.

What is it with you trying so hard to stay in touch with your friends? is probably what you want to ask me right now.

I am not really good with changes. Friends turned strangers is a change in which I hate the most. In which I've got experience with. the people you used to share everything with, changed. you've changed.  don't you hate that?  it's like having a sudden Alzheimer's. calling is a way of keeping the friendship alive. I'm not doubting the power of friendships founded on love but why should we take the risk?

life is not as exciting without a risk, but what is life without friends to share your ups and downs with. taking risk, with love, with career, with money, with future, go ahead, just not with friendship. this is not one of them.

told you, just things. eheee.

Cheers.

Commitment

My friend is getting married this March. Didn’t surprise me that much cos for all I know, she has always been an into-relationship-get-married early kind of girl. She is that committed. Speaking of, we’ll be handling the making of the dowry and photo booth. I’m really flattered that she believes in her classmates to be involved in her wedding. Not that I am saying we are not capable, heck we could turn a lame event to a spectacular day it bring tears to even the most unbelievable person you can think of. Nadia keeps asking me to do business in event planning. Wait, that’s not the point I’m trying to say here.

Commitment, yes. Earlier tonight, I kept on touching Aisyah’s feet like some sort of Bidan and  I teased her that she will be one of our classmates that will be having the most children. How do you know, she asked to which I replied, cos you have many siblings that’s why, in which she almost kicked me cos she thought I knew it by touching her feet. Huh. So innocent.

Then, Nadia told me that I, too, will have lots of children. I hissed. Yes. Like a snake. Not that I don’t find babies adorable, I do but I don’t think I’m that ready to give up my life yet. Nadia looked at me with eyes that say “give up, that is what marriage means to you?”

No. of course not. I’m just not ready.

But if  I do get married and have children (which I do want it to happen but not anytime soon), let me tell you this, I’d go hiking, running, being busy, bag packing and probably I even said to nadia- bungee jumping even if that means I have to piggyback my baby. (if you happened to visit me 5 years after I get married, and I turned into some mak cik who stays at home all the time, just know that probably I had a change of heart and I decided to be a devoted mom- waaaay to defend yourself dell)  Nadia open her mouth, her way of saying- you will kill your baby. I will kill my baby yes, but if I’m ready, I can guarantee you that my baby will grow up to be a healthy happy baby.

Commitment. Why do people keep rushing into it if they are not ready enough? Lots of youngsters nowadays, get married early, now don’t give me that mengelak zina lecture, nafsu is controllable, but if you are not ready would you be able to promise yourself that you won’t be a divorcee 2 or 3 years from the day you get married? Worst yet, if you already have children, would you be able to promise your child that? I’m not implying that the only reason people get divorce is because they are not ready, please do not make such assumption. Of course they are other reasons to why couples choose to be separated.

Commitment. I’m really glad, no, I am really really really happy that my friend is getting married. Lots of people still struggling with their doubts, typing person included, but when you are over that phase of life and decided to get married, you are really really really lucky. So yes in a way, commitment is something I cherish and despise at the same time. The key is to be prepared. To get ready. To not rush. To wait. To be patient.

And hopefully, when you’ve done everything for you to be fully fully fully  ready, you can have your happily ever after.

 I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I want everyone to be happy.